Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
