I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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