I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
