just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
