We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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