After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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