Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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