my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
