haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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