This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
