i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
