just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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