Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
