no, he came in my armpit
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
