i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
