I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
