Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize