Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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