my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
