He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
cat food counts as protein by the way
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
