So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
