Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
