Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
