ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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