Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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