I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize