I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize