you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
