I think my fart just growled at me.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize