he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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