I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
