i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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