I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
