im gay
i know
yea but for you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
