3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I have fence marks all over my body
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
