I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
