oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize