in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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