lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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