he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
