I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
