Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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