Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
