Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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