If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize