Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Randomize
