I wish I could punch you in the face.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize