Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize