my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
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