I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
