So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
