Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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