I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
