Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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