thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize