Swine flu is the new snow day.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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