I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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