Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize