you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
