i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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