Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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