i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
