There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize