I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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