it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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