She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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