I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Randomize
