respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
