and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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