shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
