everyone is single if you try hard enough
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
