Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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